How to manage sensitive conversations

Having sensitive conversations is never easy, although we know it is an important part of life and sport.

Unfortunately, things don’t always go the way we had planned and this can lead to feelings of frustration.

Leaving things unsaid can negatively affect relationships and having these conversations sooner rather than later could help people work collaboratively to find resolutions for all earlier.

Whether you are initiating the conversation or the receiving party, it is important to think about how each party is feeling and manage those emotions.

Below are some ideas for creating the right environment and some guidelines to help you manage and navigate challenging conversations and situations.

Arrange a time and place

Don’t pull someone straight after training or on the side of the pool or catch them without warning. Chose a neutral venue that enables people to listen and be heard, such as a quiet corner in a café or a meeting room. Never meet in someone’s private home.

Be mindful of people’s time and commitments – not all of us have the same amount of free time. If possible, keep sensitive conversations face-to-face where people can show care and not interpret words and issues the wrong way.

However, sometimes meeting online may be the only option and creating a quiet, safe environment may be a good alternative and allow the conversation to happen sooner.

Example approach: “Hello, how are you? I really need to talk to you about something important to me. When would you be available?”

Set the scene

Before you start talking about the issue talk about the sort of conversation you want to have.

Example approach: “I would like to talk to you about something sensitive. This is might not be easy for us but it’s something I feel we have to do. It’s important that no matter how uncomfortable it may be, I would like us to find a good way forward. How does that sound to you?”

Be prepared

Make notes beforehand and take with you anything that may help support your conversation. For example: training logs, emails, prior meeting notes. Know what questions you want to raise and try and run through in advance with someone you trust.

Remember, the other party may not be as prepared as you if this is the first time the matter is being raised with them.

Take someone with you

Consider having someone with you as this can help you feel more comfortable and help keep the conversation on track. It is important that you feel supported.

Make sure everyone else is aware someone will be with you and give them the opportunity to bring someone. You may also want to consider asking someone independent to lead the meeting.

Be prepared for how you will feel

It’s natural to feel uneasy when an issue is raised with a peer/coach/committee member – especially when people feel they may have crossed boundaries and there is upset.

Keep to the reason of the meeting

Keep the conversation focused on the topic you have prepared, keep it factual and refrain from personal judgment.

When referring to other people, use objective behaviours and avoid subjective judgment such as ‘you clearly don’t care about them’.

Conversely, when speaking about yourself, being honest about your feelings can humanise the conversation. E.g. They used to love training and now things are different I’m just really worried about how this is affecting them.

At times, someone may feel themselves or others getting heightened and emotions can run high. Give people some space to calm down and get back on track. Drink some water or take a quick break and pause before speaking.

Be clear but respectful

Address issues calmly and clearly without being accusatory or confrontational. Try to stick to your personal account and don’t use other people’s opinions or issues you have overheard other people raise. Keep in mind the purpose of the meeting.

Be aware of how people may react

Understand that individuals may feel defensive or uncomfortable; stay patient and composed. It may be as unpleasant for them and difficult for the other person to hear. Give them a chance to respond and listen to their responses.

Example approach: “I understand this is difficult and it’s difficult for me too. Are you ok to continue?”

Work collaboratively to find a solution

Work with everyone involved to try and resolve the concerns and allow for changes and adaptations for all. Aim to do what is right for everyone.

It may take time to see changes and if you feel no change has happened, consider a follow up.

Give space to talk

Give your peer/coach/committee/club member the opportunity to reflect.

At this point, use non-verbal behaviours to show you are listening and encourage them to talk.

When they have finished, summarise what you have heard and ask, “have I understood you correctly?”

Example approach: “I am really interested in your side and understanding the situation from your perspective. I’m listening…”

Seek support and guidance

If things don’t move forward in a positive way, there may be need for external support and mediation. Please look at your club/Swim England’s policy and procedures for ways in which the issue could be addressed.

It is important to note that these conversations don’t always go the way we hope, even if we have followed these steps, and this should not be a barrier to you seeking support.

Remember that a safe environment is everyone’s responsibility

Protecting the welfare of all members is everyone’s duty, even if it means having sensitive conversations.

Please refer to Swim England’s Wavepower document if you feel a young person is at risk.